The Devil Inside

Words Hurt And Are Never Really Forgotten

by: Eric Menzies

During my years as a forensic psychologist, I have been called upon to work on hundreds of criminal cases of spousal abuse. Occasionally, these cases involved the death of one or both of the partners in the relationship. It goes without saying that if either one of the partners in a relationship are utilizing weapons to injure the other, the relationship is definitely on the rocks, to put it mildly.

The thing most people fail to realize is that the vast majority of relationship damages are not caused by physical weapons or violence. The damage done without guns and knives kills more relationships than that done with physical violence. And, just what exactly, are these weapons?

Verbiage!

There is an old song by INXS called “The Devil Inside” about the frailties of human beings. It is one of my favorites by that band. There is a line in the song that says it better than I ever could “Words as weapons sharper than knives. Makes you wonder how the other half die.” In that particular part of the song it was referring to a woman, but it could just as easily refer to a man.

As we are growing up we come across this statement only too often ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.’ While this is the way we must try to think, it is very rare to see this in reality.Words are what hurt in the worst way to everyone as no weapon can. What lies behind these hurting words is that people tend to speak out without thinking when they feel slighted for some reason, and the words come out of their mouth that can never be taken back.

Sun Pillar (Photo credit: tomhe)

There is an old saying that you can never un-ring a bell once it’s rung. The same is true for words. Once you let out the toxic barrage, you can never take it back. Apologies are just bandaids on the damage done. The cuts on your partner may not be as visible as those produced by a knife, but they are likely to be every bit as deep!

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Self-Destructive Jealousy

How To Kill That Self-Destructive Monster Called Jealousy

by: Burrel Lee Wilks III

Les came to me a few months ago, fearful that his wife was having an affair. They’d been having problems, and she was spending more and more time out of the house, apparently out with friends. Les didn’t believe her for a second, and spent the time stewing at home, dialing her cell number, and on more than one occasion, cruising around to see if he could see her out and about.

As soon as she came home, she’d be given a relentless grilling, and over time she shut him down entirely. Communication dried up, and the relationship was, it appeared, all but over.

He looked dreadful: tried, overwrought and overweight. His skin was bad, his breath was nasty, and he displayed all the classic signs of a guy who was being eaten up, from the inside out.

And of course all this desperation and jealousy was not only making him sad and sick, it was driving her further and further away too! His lack of trust in her was not only deeply insulting but was eroding anything good they’d ever had.

Now Les desperately wanted to get out of this horrible mess, and was willing to work with me to completely change his perspective and behaviors.

I can guarantee that letting your jealousy show is a fail-safe way to lose your dignity, dismantle your self-esteem and frankly, ruin your life! Nothing will ruin a relationship or marriage faster than jealously. It creates anxiety, anger, loneliness, hate and fear. No one thinks clearly when they’re jealous.

Having a relationship with a jealous person is no fun either. Jealousy makes the person unattractive, even transforming them from lover and supporter, to enemy.

No one wants a jealous partner and no one likes being jealous. So how come so many people are?

In my experience there are a number of reasons, but the primary cause is a breakdown in communications, and this usually happens for one of two reasons:

Something has changed, and for some reason you don’t feel able to communicate openly and honestly anymore…

“Jealousy and Flirtation” depicts a woman jealous of the attention given to another woman by a man. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or perhaps one or both partners are manipulating their power by withholding information out of anger, hurt or even just plain thoughtlessness.

Both situations create communication “black-holes” which are then easily filled with fill fear, fury and fantasy.

Communication vacuums open up room for tons of tough questions from the jealous guy. “Has she found someone she likes better than me?” “Is she cheating on me?” “Is she going to leave me?” “Has she found someone richer, younger, funnier?”

When you’re jealous you assume the worst:

“Maybe she’ll fall in love with her personal trainer and leave me.”

“She’s going to lunch with her boss because she’s having an affair with him.”

“She’s not answering the phone because she’s in bed with some guy in a motel!” You know how that one goes? I bet you felt pretty stupid too, when she came in from the supermarket carrying loads of groceries, but even as you unpacked those groceries I bet you were still looking for clues that she’d been cheating!

Wow. We sure make life tough for ourselves sometimes.

So how do you handle these awful feelings of jealousy? How do you deal with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend who is jealous?

First if you are jealous, you need to communicate. You need to stop assuming the worst and ask questions. Open up the lines again. Don’t be aggressive, defensive, confrontation or prickly.

Second, and just as important, you have to stop looking thirsty for reassurance. How on earth can she respect you, if you don’t respect yourself enough to control your fears and paranoia?

Thirdly, you have to remind yourself why you are together in the first place, and understand that a relationship is only worth keeping alive if you CAN trust each other. If that trust is lost forever, then maybe it’s time to move on.

Remember, jealousy is demeaning and humiliation. It is a sign of weakness and fear. In the end the fastest way to kill the monster has nothing to do with your partner, and everything to do with you. When you have great self-esteem, jealousy has no choice but to pack it’s bags, and leave town!

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Creating Good Relationships

The Importance of Creating Good Relationships

by: Roseanna Leaton

Building good relationships should be a main priority in life. How important are your personal relationships to you? How highly do you value your relationships with colleagues, acquaintances, friends and family?

The way in which you experience relationships is a reflection of you as a person. From when you were a small baby you learned to understand your sense of self through the reactions and expressions of the people who you came into contact with. Relationships with friends, family, colleagues, etc are on-going interactions which continually reshape and re-form your sense of self.

In this sense your own distant and intimate relationships are opportunities to learn and to grow; in fact they are your greatest opportunity in which to do just this. From those earliest years we learn to look to other human beings for reassurance and approval. As adults we do many things in this search for approval. For example we follow trends in the clothes we wear and the food which we eat.

The more independent of us may think that we do the sorts of things which we do because we are adventurous or because we like simply to try new things out. We may laugh and say to ourselves and others that we like to “rock the boat” or to rebel against “conformity”. But even in doing those things which are diverse and different from the majority of the “crowd” we are still seeking a reaction and confirmation of our sense of self.

Relationships form a huge arena in which we can learn more about ourselves, test things out and grow and stretch as a person. The types of relationships which you enter into and maintain say a lot about you as a person. To hold back from relationships or to shy away from them effectively prevents you from growing, stretching and changing. Your relationships, and the quality of them, reflect a learning curve of your own understanding of life. As you build good relationships you reflect good learning.

Shyness or a lack of confidence can become the enemy warriors who stand in guard at the entryway to this relationship arena. Insecure relationships are a reflection of these feelings and self-beliefs. But these are learned expressions of self belief which can be changed so long as you know how to do so. Hypnosis allows access to the inner regions of your mind, to those places where learned patterns of self-belief have been stored and guarded.

You may well feel that a lack of confidence keeps you imprisoned within wall upon wall of limitations. But you can unlock those doors and scale those walls with the help of hypnosis. Then you will be able to partake fully in the many opportunities which building good relationships inevitably provide for you.

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