Self-Destructive Jealousy

How To Kill That Self-Destructive Monster Called Jealousy

by: Burrel Lee Wilks III

Les came to me a few months ago, fearful that his wife was having an affair. They’d been having problems, and she was spending more and more time out of the house, apparently out with friends. Les didn’t believe her for a second, and spent the time stewing at home, dialing her cell number, and on more than one occasion, cruising around to see if he could see her out and about.

As soon as she came home, she’d be given a relentless grilling, and over time she shut him down entirely. Communication dried up, and the relationship was, it appeared, all but over.

He looked dreadful: tried, overwrought and overweight. His skin was bad, his breath was nasty, and he displayed all the classic signs of a guy who was being eaten up, from the inside out.

And of course all this desperation and jealousy was not only making him sad and sick, it was driving her further and further away too! His lack of trust in her was not only deeply insulting but was eroding anything good they’d ever had.

Now Les desperately wanted to get out of this horrible mess, and was willing to work with me to completely change his perspective and behaviors.

I can guarantee that letting your jealousy show is a fail-safe way to lose your dignity, dismantle your self-esteem and frankly, ruin your life! Nothing will ruin a relationship or marriage faster than jealously. It creates anxiety, anger, loneliness, hate and fear. No one thinks clearly when they’re jealous.

Having a relationship with a jealous person is no fun either. Jealousy makes the person unattractive, even transforming them from lover and supporter, to enemy.

No one wants a jealous partner and no one likes being jealous. So how come so many people are?

In my experience there are a number of reasons, but the primary cause is a breakdown in communications, and this usually happens for one of two reasons:

Something has changed, and for some reason you don’t feel able to communicate openly and honestly anymore…

“Jealousy and Flirtation” depicts a woman jealous of the attention given to another woman by a man. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or perhaps one or both partners are manipulating their power by withholding information out of anger, hurt or even just plain thoughtlessness.

Both situations create communication “black-holes” which are then easily filled with fill fear, fury and fantasy.

Communication vacuums open up room for tons of tough questions from the jealous guy. “Has she found someone she likes better than me?” “Is she cheating on me?” “Is she going to leave me?” “Has she found someone richer, younger, funnier?”

When you’re jealous you assume the worst:

“Maybe she’ll fall in love with her personal trainer and leave me.”

“She’s going to lunch with her boss because she’s having an affair with him.”

“She’s not answering the phone because she’s in bed with some guy in a motel!” You know how that one goes? I bet you felt pretty stupid too, when she came in from the supermarket carrying loads of groceries, but even as you unpacked those groceries I bet you were still looking for clues that she’d been cheating!

Wow. We sure make life tough for ourselves sometimes.

So how do you handle these awful feelings of jealousy? How do you deal with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend who is jealous?

First if you are jealous, you need to communicate. You need to stop assuming the worst and ask questions. Open up the lines again. Don’t be aggressive, defensive, confrontation or prickly.

Second, and just as important, you have to stop looking thirsty for reassurance. How on earth can she respect you, if you don’t respect yourself enough to control your fears and paranoia?

Thirdly, you have to remind yourself why you are together in the first place, and understand that a relationship is only worth keeping alive if you CAN trust each other. If that trust is lost forever, then maybe it’s time to move on.

Remember, jealousy is demeaning and humiliation. It is a sign of weakness and fear. In the end the fastest way to kill the monster has nothing to do with your partner, and everything to do with you. When you have great self-esteem, jealousy has no choice but to pack it’s bags, and leave town!

Source

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12 Ways to Persuade without Manipulating

by: Cucan Pemo

There is a fine line between persuading someone and trying to manipulate the way that they think. And when you’re in a loving relationship, you should be focusing on the positive aspects of persuasion and discussion, rather than ways to trick someone into agreeing with you.

Honesty is truly the best policy

It can’t be stressed enough that being honest about what you want is that best way to start influencing your relationship because it creates a no-games way of looking at problems and conflicts. Instead of your partner wondering what you mean, they will know exactly what you need.

Know what you want

And do you already know what you want? Many times, manipulation is easier for those that don’t really know what they want to achieve from a discussion. In order to avoid this, you will want to make sure that you have a clear idea of what you want share with your partner and what you want to achieve as a result.

Acknowledge what they want

But it’s not just about you either. You need to be sure that you know what your partner wants in the situation as well. Ask them to be clear about the way that they want your relationship to be, and then be sure to acknowledge that in your persuasion. A partnership includes two people.

Realize that you can’t change minds

You won’t always be able to change their mind, nor should that be a goal of yours. What you do want to do is persuade them to look at a situation or problem in the way that you are. They might have other ideas that they want to share with you; other perspectives that you might not understand. And from their own way of thinking, they might never change their way of looking at things.

Honesty anyone?

Once again, when you refuse to build a relationship on lies, you can move from conflict into resolution much more efficiently. When you find yourself in a lie, you will want to explain yourself immediately and then correct the wrong statement.

Information is best

When you want to correct a problem or smooth a situation in a relationship, you will want to get the facts straight so that you can present your case accurately. Instead of using facts that would help your persuasion, you will want to use the real facts. For example, instead of saying the other person never wants to do anything, show examples of how this happens.

Let them talk too

But again, this isn’t all about you. You need to hear what your partner thinks and feels as well to start moving toward some sort of compromise. Ask them what they think about what you have said and whether there’s anything else that they might want to add. Try to engage them in dialogue so it’s not a one-sided conversation.

Admit when you’re wrong

And you will be wrong in your thinking or ideas, so be sure to admit that. Partners like it when you admit to being fallible. We all make mistakes and we’re much more likely to listen to those that admit to doing so.

Honesty once more

When you have ulterior motivations for your discussions with a partner, you are creating a situation in which only one of you is benefiting from a promise or a solution. Instead of what kind of situation, why not be honest about what you’re really trying to achieve?

Choose common ground

If you choose a location for your discussion that you are comfortable in, but your partner is not, you will automatically put them on the defensive. Instead, choose a place that is neutral and gives no one the advantage. Or if you’re the one that wants to have the discussion, have your partner choose where you will talk.

Pick the right time

Being rushed or tired is not a good way to feel during an important discussion. You want to choose a time that works out best for the both of you. This might mean that you both have to clear your schedules or make time available – but it creates the best possible conditions.

Honesty always

Just in case you didn’t already realize it, being honest is the only way to avoid manipulation. Even the tiniest infraction will lead to further distrust of each other.

Source

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Creating Good Relationships

The Importance of Creating Good Relationships

by: Roseanna Leaton

Building good relationships should be a main priority in life. How important are your personal relationships to you? How highly do you value your relationships with colleagues, acquaintances, friends and family?

The way in which you experience relationships is a reflection of you as a person. From when you were a small baby you learned to understand your sense of self through the reactions and expressions of the people who you came into contact with. Relationships with friends, family, colleagues, etc are on-going interactions which continually reshape and re-form your sense of self.

In this sense your own distant and intimate relationships are opportunities to learn and to grow; in fact they are your greatest opportunity in which to do just this. From those earliest years we learn to look to other human beings for reassurance and approval. As adults we do many things in this search for approval. For example we follow trends in the clothes we wear and the food which we eat.

The more independent of us may think that we do the sorts of things which we do because we are adventurous or because we like simply to try new things out. We may laugh and say to ourselves and others that we like to “rock the boat” or to rebel against “conformity”. But even in doing those things which are diverse and different from the majority of the “crowd” we are still seeking a reaction and confirmation of our sense of self.

Relationships form a huge arena in which we can learn more about ourselves, test things out and grow and stretch as a person. The types of relationships which you enter into and maintain say a lot about you as a person. To hold back from relationships or to shy away from them effectively prevents you from growing, stretching and changing. Your relationships, and the quality of them, reflect a learning curve of your own understanding of life. As you build good relationships you reflect good learning.

Shyness or a lack of confidence can become the enemy warriors who stand in guard at the entryway to this relationship arena. Insecure relationships are a reflection of these feelings and self-beliefs. But these are learned expressions of self belief which can be changed so long as you know how to do so. Hypnosis allows access to the inner regions of your mind, to those places where learned patterns of self-belief have been stored and guarded.

You may well feel that a lack of confidence keeps you imprisoned within wall upon wall of limitations. But you can unlock those doors and scale those walls with the help of hypnosis. Then you will be able to partake fully in the many opportunities which building good relationships inevitably provide for you.

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The post Creating Good Relationships appeared first on Robert JR Graham.