by: Steve Bunyan – Life Coach
If you’ve ever had trouble with “getting the girl” you will have doubtless asked around for advice from friends, siblings and maybe work colleagues too, on how to win her affections. The advice you got will probably have varied wildly and as a result you may still be confused.
I’m sure you’ve already heard some of these… “Buy her flowers”, “Treat her mean, keep her keen”, “Just tell her that you like her”, “ask her out”, “be yourself”, “use this great pick-up line…”, “make her laugh”, “compliment her” and so on…
You may have also come across a few that recommend you use the techniques they found in one of hundreds of different eBooks available on the internet, or perhaps something they stumbled on at Amazon.
You may have even tried some of these things and probably found that the results are disappointing at best.
Men often get it completely wrong because they totally misunderstand what women are attracted to. They do this because they assume that women think like men do – duh! They’re women; they think like women – not like men. Their motivations, dreams, goals, aspirations, expectations, wants, needs and desires are totally different to yours and that’s how it should be!
You’re a guy so you are primarily attracted to a woman based on her looks and body shape; maybe so much so that pretty much everything else is almost irrelevant to you. (Perhaps you can convince her that you’re not, perhaps you can even convince your friends and family of that too, but I’m just not buying it because we are both guys and that’s just how we’re wired – it’s normal and natural so accept it). By contrast, and generally speaking, unless she is still very young (perhaps under 21), she has already grown out of that phase. It’s not that she isn’t interested in the way you look, of course she is; it’s just that it’s kind of secondary to the other things in she wants in a man.
So what’s the deal? What do women really want?
Actually, it’s pretty simple… women want you to be a man.
Ok, so how do you do that?
Here are my top 19 ways to be man.
#1 Believe in yourself
If you don’t believe in yourself, she won’t either. It’s that simple. Don’t fake it, just do whatever it takes to believe in you as a genuine and attractive guy.
#2 Be friendly
When you’re out and about meeting people, be friendly, upbeat and cheerful. Have a smile on your face and walk tall. Be genuinely pleased to meet people, regardless of who they are. Make time to say hello to everyone you meet and really make an effort to look for the good in them. Being friendly does not include buying people things just to gain their attention, running errands for them “to be nice”, or being their personal servant. These things are not friendly, they are just plain needy.
#3 Be congruent
Whoever you are, whatever you do, however you dress, behave, or present yourself; be real. Genuinely be the person you are claiming to be and presenting to the world. Only say things if you really mean them. Use only your own words and terminology and wear clothes that express who you really are – the real you. Don’t be tempted to copy others, be yourself. Every one of us is a unique and fascinating human being when we take the time to be who we really are. And anyone who tells you this isn’t true, is just plain wrong!
#4 Be confident
>From a woman’s perspective, confidence is one of the most attractive qualities a man can ever possess. (If you doubt this just go and ask a few women you know). A confident man is very sexy to women. So decide who you are, be yourself, be confident about that and make it your goal to do whatever it takes to have rock-solid confidence.
#5 Be strong
You may have heard people say “be strong” before, but again, as a guy your interpretation of what strong is may be very different to that of a woman. Women want guys who are mentally and emotionally strong. Yes of course, they like men with physical strength too, but it’s not a substitute for mental and emotional strength in the eyes of a woman. She wants a guy who can make her feel safe, wanted, needed, loved and protected. So, develop the ability to rise above dramas and crises. Learn to take whatever life throws at you in your stride and take the burden for her too. Be cool and calm when everyone else is completely losing it – especially her!
#6 Be spontaneous
Routine is not sexy. Doing the same thing all the time is boring. Knowing what someone is going to say or do, before they say or do it, is as dull as dishwater. Always going to the same restaurant, always wearing your favourite shirt, always going through the same routine in the bedroom and even buying her the same flowers on the same day every week will have her yawning rapidly – and probably paying attention to other guys too.
Just like you, women want excitement in their lives and you will never bore her into being attracted to you! So, be a little unpredictable; mix things up, do something she could never have imagined in a million years and do that at times which are also unpredictable too. It doesn’t need to be expensive, extravagant, or flamboyant, but it does need to show that you thought and care about the way she feels.
#7 Be fun
It always makes me smile when single people on dating sites list themselves as looking for a “serious relationship”. Why the hell don’t they want a fun one!? Women love to laugh. In fact, so much so, that men who can make a woman laugh are usually a huge turn-on to any woman.
I’m not talking about cracking an endless stream of jokes here; I’m talking about being able to make her laugh you, at life and even at herself. Spontaneous, off-the-cuff, contextual humour is an incredible aphrodisiac for women. Tease her, make fun of her (in a nice way), and laugh at your own idiosyncrasies too. She wants to have fun and she wants you to be the guy who makes that happen. Perhaps play “make believe” with her, like kids do… Make up scenarios that are amusing, for example:
She’s the princess, sitting in her room waiting to be rescued by the handsome prince, and you would have rescued her, you really would, but you were busy washing your hair!
And remember, don’t use my words, make up your own, use your own imagination and be yourself. Use situations that are relevant to you and her and have fun with it. When the words that came from your mind make her laugh, magic can and often does happen.
A word of warning here… using humour is a skill; perhaps even an art. It’s incredibly powerful when used well, but when used wrongly it can make her go off you instantly. The golden rule is that she should be the one doing the laughing.
#8 Be busy
So you’ve met a woman you really like and you’re pretty sure she’s into you too. Don’t make the naive error of wanting to see her, or talk to her all the time. Have other things going on in your life that make you a fascinating and multi-faceted guy. Women will soon lose interest in you if you are always available. That’s just human nature and always remember that women have choices so don’t overdo it. Don’t fake it either though; don’t pretend to be too busy to see her when she calls – actually be busy so that you can’t see her all the time – at least for the first half dozen dates or so.
Then once you are seeing her regularly, don’t put off other things in your life that are important, just so you can see her; especially your friends or family. Make time for her sure, but not at the expense of everything else in your life. To do so is both social suicide and the start of a slippery slope into co-dependence. You will almost certainly lose some good friends and probably, in time, her too.
#9 Be laid back
This is really important. When you’re talking to a woman you like, don’t be too eager. Treat her the same as you treat everyone else; be indifferent. Don’t lean in too much, don’t give her too much eye contact or physically align yourself to completely face her. Show her attention, but not too much. Allow yourself to be a little distracted by what’s going on around you and let her mind play with the idea that maybe, just maybe, you do like her. A guy who is a sure thing is a big turn-off to a woman.
#10 Be in control of yourself
If you’re going to be a man you have to be in control of yourself. You have to know what you want and don’t want. You have to know what you like and don’t like and you have to be willing to stick your neck out and say so. It doesn’t matter whether anyone agrees with you, but it does matter that you know who you are and that you remain true to yourself. Being in control of yourself is also about remaining calm, not losing your temper, not having too much to drink, and not letting others make decisions for you – especially her.
#11 Be cheeky
She may be the prettiest thing you ever saw, but that doesn’t mean you have to put her on a pedestal and worship her like some mindless slave. As a rule, the more you like her, the cheekier you should be. Steal her fries, tease her for being a girl, pinch her butt, or better still, accuse her of pinching yours. If you’ve been dancing with her offer to get her a chair because you realise that at her age she shouldn’t overdo it (especially if she’s younger than you). If you catch her looking at you, accuse her of checking you out, or when she calls and wants to see you, tell her you would, but you have already arranged a date with her mum!
#12 Take the lead
When you call her to arrange a date, know where you’re going to take her, what time she should be ready and if it’s relevant, what she should wear too (she won’t thank you if she turns up to a ball in her jeans or the ice rink in a ball gown). Don’t expect or even ask her to choose – if you want to be a man that’s your job. If she wants to do something else she’ll tell you.
Open doors for her, pull her chair out and even pick up the bill if you want to, but don’t stop her from contributing if she wants to.
Ignore everything you’ve heard about not opening doors for women etc. Its feminist propaganda designed to confuse, emasculate and control men; and it’s peddled by women you’re never going to be attracted to for very long, if at all. They are angry at you and me for what they perceive other guys did in the past, so if you meet one, I suggest you make a swift exit because you are not to blame for what other guys did or didn’t do in the past and anyway, you can do a lot better.
#13 Make it about the people, not about the money
Far too many people meet on a first date and make it all about money. Chic restaurants, expensive cocktails, taxis, tickets and so on. You really don’t need to spend a fortune to have a great time together. The best date I ever had was a cup of coffee from the drive thru at McDonalds followed by the two of us dancing together under the stars to my car stereo in the gateway of a farm on a quiet country lane. So come on guys, be inventive, be romantic and be spontaneous without having to rely on money to make the man. Do this whilst being yourself and you’ll blow her away! Just think country walks, picnics, the beach or any other natural setting.
#14 Be firm
Women want a man who is in control of himself and his own life. That means you don’t let people push you around physically, mentally or emotionally. No woman will find herself truly able to respect a man who lets others treat him like a doormat. If you can’t do something for someone else, be a man and say so up front. The same goes for those times when you could but you just don’t want to. Don’t be wishy-washy, be decisive. She wants a man who doesn’t put up with crap from others – including her!
#15 Be assertive
When you feel the time is right to kiss her, whatever you do, don’t ask her for a kiss, or ask for her permission to kiss her, or even tell her you want to kiss her – Just be a man and steal a kiss! If she doesn’t want you to kiss her or just isn’t ready yet she’ll make it clear. As a guy this is just something you have to make a judgement call on and then choose your moment. A great time to steal your first kiss is when you’ve just made her laugh.
#16 Be gentle
When you touch a woman, especially at the beginning of any intimate encounter with her, be gentle; stroke her skin really, really softly (imagine you are stroking the wings of a beautiful, yet delicate butterfly), and kiss her in a way that your lips are barely touching hers to start with. Notice her reactions and build this very slowly. As the passion builds, the touching and kissing can too, but take your time, she’s a warm, sensual woman, not a cold beer or a rib-eye steak and there really is no rush!
#17 Be interested
When you talk to a woman, be genuinely interested in what she has to say. Don’t pretend to be interested, actually get interested. You don’t have to agree with her or tell her she’s right, but the fact that you actually pay attention to what she has to say is something she will notice about you very quickly and in most cases this will do her opinion of you a power of good.
#18 Be detached
Far too many guys focus on the outcome they want to achieve when talking to a woman they are attracted to; and the woman knows it. If you want her phone number, a date, a dance or anything else from her, she will sense it very quickly and when she does it gives her almost all the power in your interactions with her. As soon as she has all the power, you are suddenly competing with every other guy who wants her attention so don’t do it.
Instead, focus on simply enjoying her company, making her smile/laugh or just being plain friendly. Forget what you want to achieve until such a point that it becomes very obvious that she wants that too. Just get on with getting on with her and detach from the outcome. Even guys who are incredible with women can’t get a result every time, so let it go.
#19 Look like a man
Women want a guy who takes care of himself and cares about the way he looks because it says an awful lot about the way he sees himself and the world around him. However, no woman wants a guy who looks better than she does, or heaven forbid, takes longer getting ready than she does – she doesn’t spend all that time, money and effort to look her best, only to be upstaged by her man!
In conclusion guys, it’s not hard to be a man, it just takes a little thought, a little courage and a clear vision in your mind of who you are. So if in the past, you’ve struggled to understand what it is that women really want, just do the things I’ve mentioned above and the results will amaze you.