10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

“My parents had a very good relationship,” I often hear my clients say.

“What do you mean by good?” I ask.

“They didn’t fight. They spent a lot of time with each other.”

That may have been the definition of a good relationship years ago, but now most people want more. Following are ten signs of a healthy relationship.

KINDNESS

Is kindness more important to each of you than having your way, being in control, or being right? Do you each receive joy out of being kind to each other? Being kind rather than controlling with each other is essential for a healthy relationship.

SPONTANEOUS WARMTH AND AFFECTION

Do you and your partner well up with warmth and fullness of heart for each other and express it with affection? Are you each able to see the beautiful essence within each other, rather than just the faults? Are you able to get beyond the outer to the unique inner Self of each other? Do you enjoy sharing affection? Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship.

LAUGHTER AND FUN

Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humor? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humor? Can you let down and be playful with each other, letting yourselves be like kids together? Laughter and fun play a huge role in a healthy relationship.

ENJOYING TIME TOGETHER AND TIME APART

Are you both each other’s favorite person to spend time with? Are you motivated to set aside time just to be together?

Do both of you have friends and interests that you enjoy doing? Are both of you fine when you are not together?

Some couples spend a lot of time together because they really enjoy it, while others spend a lot of time together out of fear of being alone. It is important for a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests, so that they are not dependent on each other. Dependency is not healthy in a relationship, particularly emotional dependency.

A METHOD FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

All relationships have some conflict. It is not the conflict that is the issue, but how you deal with it. Do you have a method for resolving conflict, or do the issues just keep getting swept aside? If fighting is part of how you deal with conflict, do you fight fair, or are you hurtful when you fight?

LETTING GO OF ANGER

If one or both of you get angry, do you hang on to it, punishing your partner with it, or can you easily let it go? In healthy relationships, both partners are able to quickly move on, back into kindness and affection.

TRUST IN YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER

Do you each trust that the love is solid, even in very difficult times between you? Do you each know that you can mess up, fail, disappoint the other, emotionally hurt the other – and the love will still be there? Do you each know that the love is about who you are, not what you do? This level of trust is essential for a healthy relationship.

LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTING AND LEARNING

Do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without fearing being judged? Are you each more interested in learning about yourselves and each other than you are in controlling each other? Is listening to each other with an open heart and a desire to understand more important than judging each other or defending yourselves?

SEXUALITY

Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with each other about what brings pleasure to each of you?

FREEDOM TO BE YOURSELF

Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you joy? Does your partner feel joy for your joy?

While some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to heal the fears and false beliefs they learned in their families. Healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in his or her ability to be loving to themselves and each other.

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An Addiction To Judgement

Addiction to Self-Judgment

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

“I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?”

“I’m a looser. I’ll never get anywhere.”

“I’m so stupid. I should have learned this by now.”

“I don’t fit in. I don’t belong with these people.”

“I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never do it right enough.”

“I’m permanently emotionally damaged. I’ll never be okay.”

“No one could love me. I’m not lovable.”

…and so on and so on.

Are you aware of your self-judgments? Are you aware of how often you judge yourself as bad, wrong, or inadequate? Are you aware of how you end up feeling as a result of your self-judgments?

In my counseling work with people, I find that self-judgment is one of the major causes of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet most people don’t realize that these painful feelings are the result of their own thoughts, their own self-judgments. Most of the time, when I ask an anxious client why they are feeling anxious, they tell me that it’s because of something that happened to them. They usually believe that an event or a person caused their anxiety. Yet when I ask them what they are thinking that might be causing their anxiety, they will tell me a self-judgment such as, “I’ll never get this right,” or they are projecting their own judgment onto me and telling themselves, “Margaret doesn’t like me,” or “Margaret is getting impatient with me.” When they judge themselves or make up that I’m judging them, they get anxious. There is nothing actually happening that is causing their anxiety, other than their own thoughts.

Pointing out to them that they are causing their anxiety with their self-judgment doesn’t not necessarily stop the judgment. This is because self-judgment is often an addiction. An addiction is a habitual behavior that is intended to protect against pain. What is the pain that self-judgment is intended to protect against?

Generally, the hope of self-judgment is to protect against rejection and failure. The false beliefs are that, “If I judge myself, then others won’t judge me and reject me. I can be safe from others’ judgment by judging myself first,” or “If I judge myself, I can motivate myself to do things right and succeed. Then I will feel safe and be loved and accepted by others.”

However, just as a child does far better in school with encouragement than with criticism, so do we as adults. Criticism tends to scare and immobilize us. Instead of motivating us, it often creates so much anxiety that we get frozen and become unable to take appropriate action for ourselves. More self-judgment follows the lack of action, which results in more anxiety and immobilization, until we create a situation where we are completely stuck and miserable.

The way out of this is to become aware of the feelings of fear, anxiety, anger or depression and then ask yourself, “What did I just tell myself that is creating this feeling?” Once you become aware of the self-judgment, you can then ask yourself, “Am I certain that what I am telling myself is true?” If you are not 100% certain that what you are telling yourself is true, you can ask your higher, wise self or a spiritual source of wisdom, “What is the truth?” If you are really open to learning about the truth, the truth will pop into your mind, and it will be much different than what you have been telling yourself.

For example, “I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?” becomes “We all mess up at times. It’s okay to make mistakes – it’s part of being human. Making a mistake does not mean that you are a jerk.” When we open to the truth, we will discover a kind and compassionate way of speaking to ourselves, a way that makes us feel loved and safe rather than anxious, angry or depressed.

Addictions are always challenging to resolve, and an addiction to self-judgment is no exception. So be easy on yourself, and don’t judge yourself for judging yourself! It will take time and dedication to become aware of your self-judgments and learn to be kind toward yourself, but the end result is so worth the effort!

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Does Psychotherapy Work?

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Many years ago, when I became a psychotherapist, all I knew was the traditional psychotherapy that I had learned in school, and that I had personally experienced with many different therapists and many different forms of therapy. For 18 years I practiced what I had learned, and I was never happy with the results.

I saw that people often felt better for the moment, or resolved a particular issue, but that when new issues came up, they didn’t have a process for dealing with them. In all the years of my own therapy, I had never learned a process either – a process for loving myself and taking 100% responsibility for my own feelings and needs. In fact, taking responsibility for my feelings was never a part of any of the therapies I had experienced. I had learned to express my feelings – which often turned out to be a form of control – but not how I was creating my own feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, hurt, guilt and shame.

I no longer practice traditional psychotherapy because, in my experience, it doesn’t work. For the past 23 years I have worked with clients with the Inner Bonding process. In fact, I have many psychotherapists in my practice learning this process, because they are discouraged with the results of traditional psychotherapy in their work and in their own lives.

WHAT WORKS AND WHAT DOESN’T WORK

Psychotherapy Research (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, does psychotherapy work? It does if what you are learning about is how to connect with your own feelings and take responsibility for them; how to discover the false beliefs that are creating your painful feelings; and how to connect with a personal source of spiritual Guidance that teaches you the truth and the loving action toward yourself. It works when you are willing to learn to take loving action in your own behalf and share your love with others. It works when you are willing to stop blaming the past, your parents, your partner, society, events, or God for your suffering and learn that you are the cause of your own suffering. It works when you are willing to stop seeing yourself as a victim of others and circumstances and learn to be loving to yourself.

What does not work is spending years analyzing the past. While the past shaped our beliefs, and it is important to understand where we learned what we learned, dwelling on it is a waste of time. In my experience, if we stay current with discovering the false beliefs that cause our painful feelings, the past will become illuminated. When we realize, for example, that we spend much time and energy judging ourselves, it is easy to go into the past to see where we learned this. Did one or both of your parents judge you? Did they judge themselves? What was the role modeling you grew up with? Did either of your parents take responsibility for their feelings, or were they victims, blaming each other or you or others for their misery? It is not hard to learn about the past when we are willing to examine our current choices and behavior toward ourselves and others.

YOUR SPIRITUAL CONNECTION

Psychotherapy that does not include developing a spiritual connection does not work. Our spiritual connection is the Source we need to turn to for wisdom and comfort. In order to deal lovingly with the challenges of life, we need to know that we are not alone, and that we always have our higher Guidance to turn to for the truth and loving action toward ourselves and others.

True healing is about learning how to take full, 100% responsibility for our own feelings and needs. It is about moving out of self-abandonment and emotional dependency and into emotional freedom. When you find a therapist, facilitator or coach who helps you to do this, then you will find great benefit.

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God, The Experience

Do You Experience God?

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Connor, a man in his late 40’s, has achieved everything he ever thought he needed to feel happy and secure. He owns a successful business, has a wonderful wife and two children, and a beautiful home. Yet when you look at him, he doesn’t look happy. He looks empty, with no sense of vibrancy about him.

His wife, Brianna. also has everything she ever wanted – a husband, children, financial security, successful work and a beautiful home. When you look at her, you see a person filled with aliveness and vitality, friendliness and joy.

What is the difference? Why are these two people, each who have the same outer things, so very different in their energy? The answer is that Brianna has a strong connection with God while Connor has no spiritual connection at all.

The longer I’ve worked as a counselor, the easier it has become for me to tell the difference between people who know and experience God and people who don’t. It is the difference between Connor and Brianna. It is the difference between being full from the inside or inwardly empty.

It’s not that Connor doesn’t want to experience God. He says he really wants to. He sees the difference between him and Brianna and he says he wants what she has. He sees his parents as empty and he says he doesn’t want to end up like them, with no sense of passion or purpose in their lives.

Yet Connor does not experience God, and the reason is simple: he places a higher priority on having control over money, employees, what people think of him, his wife, and his children than on being a loving human being. He says he wants to be loving, and the times he is loving he feels great, but it never lasts because his desire to control is greater than his desire to be loving. He is afraid if he is loving to himself and others his business will suffer, he will have less money, he will lose friends. His ego wounded self tells him that if he is open and loving, he will be taken advantage of, and that is the last thing he wants. So his primary intention is to protect against what he fears rather than to be loving.

God is love, the spirit of love, the energy of love. That love is always here for us when we open our heart. Our heart opens automatically when our intent is to learn what is loving to ourselves and others rather than protect against what we fear with our controlling behavior. To know God is to know Love. To know Love is to know God.

When Brianna looks at Connor with love, Connor feels afraid and turns away. If he opens to her love, he fears he will be vulnerable to being hurt. Maybe she won’t like what she sees if he is open and will reject him. Maybe she wants more than he wants to give. Maybe she just wants to suck the life out of him like his mother did. Protecting against his fears is more important to him than being loving and sharing love with Brianna. Brianna loves Connor but is often lonely with him because he is afraid to share love with her. Connor complains that he doesn’t feel good a lot of the time – he feels empty. He avoids his emptiness with food and TV, which doesn’t bring him joy.

Connor complains that he doesn’t know how to experience God. I tell him it’s not about how, it‘s about intent. When his deepest desire is to be loving rather than controlling, he will easily and naturally experience God. It’s all about intent. Our intent is what we have choice over. Our intent governs how we live, who we choose to be, how we behave. Our intent to love and learn about love opens our heart to the experience of God.

If you feel empty, consider that it may be more important to you to control than to love. If you know others who appear to be empty, consider that it may be more important to them to control than to love.

Opening to love does not mean that we will be vulnerable to being hurt, manipulated, taken advantage of. In fact, the opposite can happen: in experiencing God, we receive the wisdom and strength to know what is good or bad for us, what is right or wrong for us. In opening to God, we discover what is in our highest good. It is far safer than relying on our wounded ego self. Opening to the Love that is God through your intent to learn can bring you the deep sense of fullness and safety for which your heart and soul have always yearned.

Source

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How Important Is Your Health To You?

Is It Important to you to be Healthy?

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

How important is your physical health to you?

Of course, most people will say that they really want to be healthy, but what are you willing to DO to be healthy? And what are you willing to NOT DO to be healthy? In other words, what is more important to you than being healthy?

Is more important to:

• Eat fast food, or packaged, frozen and processed food, than take the time to cook healthy meals with fresh, organic healthy ingredients?

• Spend money on clothes and toys and other “stuff” than on fresh, organic, healthy food?

• Go along with what others say about what creates health rather than take the time to do your own learning?

• Sleep in, watch TV, play video games, gamble, work, stay on the phone, constantly text, or do other addictive activities rather than get exercise?

• Take drugs for anxiety, depression or insomnia rather than learn how to take responsibility for your feelings?

• Turn to substance addictions rather than take responsibility for your feelings? Continue to act out addictively with alcohol, cigarettes, sugar, caffeine, or drugs rather than learn to take loving care of yourself?

• Neglect your spiritual practice rather than take the time to create inner peace?

• Be “one of the gang” and eat like everyone else is eating, drink like everyone else, or take drugs like everyone else, rather than support your own health?

How are you rationalizing your unhealthy choices?

• I don’t have the time.

• I don’t believe that food has much to do with health.

• So and so smoked his whole life and never got lung cancer.

• Why bother? My genes are against me.

• I’ll get around to it when I have some time.

• Food is the only reward I have. I’m not giving up sweets and other so called “junk food”.

• I’m still young. I don’t have to worry about it for years.

• I have too much pain in my life, and I won’t be able to handle it if I get off drugs or give up my addictions.

• What’s the point in living if I can’t do what I want?

• I won’t have any friends if I don’t do what they do.

The question to ask yourself is: “How do I want to live my later years? Do I want to be vital, clear-headed and energetic as long as I live, or do I want to be suffering with cancer, heart disease, arthritis, and other degenerative diseases?”

While there are many factors that influence our health, such as genetics, the environment, accidents, and trauma from childhood, we each have much power to create health when it is important to us.

If health is very important to you, then I encourage you to start to take responsibility for yourself in three major areas:

• Food

• Exercise

• State of mind

All three are equally important and affect each other. If you are judging yourself and ignoring your own feelings, then your self-abandonment will be creating stress in your body. When we go into stress, the body goes into fight or flight, which means that the blood leaves the brain and organs and goes into the arms and legs for fighting or fleeing. When this happens often, the immune system is compromised, leaving you open for illness. In addition, the stress may lead you to act out addictively in an effort to relieve it, further fostering poor health. Exercise not only helps your state of mind, it helps your body function well. Poor food affects your state of mind and your energy, making it more difficult to exercise and create inner peace.

Today, ask yourself, “How important is my health to me?” Then be honest with yourself. If you are not willing to take loving care of yourself in all three areas, then you need to accept that your health is not that important to you.

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